Human Relations and Personal Adjustment

A Text/Workbook for Human Relations and Personal Adjustment

Velma Walker Tarrant County College

Becoming AwareBecoming Aware Eleventh Edition

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ISBN 978-0-7575-7168-8 Special Edition ISBN 978-0-7575-7170-1 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Book Team Chairman and Chief Executive Offi cer Mark C. Falb President and Chief Operating Offi cer Chad M. Chandlee Vice President, Higher Education David L. Tart Senior Managing Editor Ray Wood Assistant Editor Bob Largent Editorial Manager Georgia Botsford Senior Editor Angela Willenbring Vice President, Operations Timothy J. Beitzel Assistant Vice President, Production Services Christine E. O’Brien Senior Production Editor Carrie Maro Permissions Editor Colleen Zelinsky Cover Designer Jenifer Chapman

Th ere is inside you all of the potential to be whatever you want to be—all of the energy to do whatever you want to do. Imagine yourself as you would like to be, doing what you want to do, and each day, take one step . . . toward your dream. And though at times it may seem too diffi cult to continue, hold on to your dream. One morning you will awake to fi nd that you are the person you dreamed of—doing what you wanted to do—simply because you had the courage to believe in your potential and to hold on to your dream.

You Can Be Whatever You Want to Be

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Brief ContentsBrief Contents

Chapter 1: Getting Acquainted with Ourselves and Others Relationships are the source of our greatest pleasures and pain throughout our lives. We will discover the process of understanding our inner “self” and getting acquainted with others throughout this chapter.

Chapter 2: Self-Awareness Understanding the “self” and discovering how you evolved into the person you are will be addressed in this chapter.

Chapter 3: Who’s in Control? In this chapter, you will learn to take control of your life and change your behavior.

Chapter 4: Dealing with Emotions The full spectrum of human feelings, from love and excitement to anger and despair, is discussed. Research on emotional intelligence—learning to achieve a balance between emotional expression and control—is also addressed in this chapter.

Chapter 5: Interpersonal Communication This chapter focuses on effective communication skills for establishing and maintaining more satisfying relationships with others.

Chapter 6: Developing Close Relationships The evolution of a relationship—fi nding friends, becoming intimate, and discovering love will be addressed throughout this chapter.

Chapter 7: Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict In this chapter, we learn to approach interpersonal confl ict differently—there doesn’t have to be a winner and a loser.

Chapter 8: Managing Stress and Wellness Various stressors are identifi ed in this chapter, as well as effective ways of coping with stress. The interaction of thoughts, feelings, and negative self-talk is also addressed.

Chapter 9: Values and Ethics Prioritizing individual values—what is important in life—and fi nding meaning and purpose in life are discussed in this chapter. Making ethical choices is also discussed.

Chapter 10: Life Planning Taking risks and developing a plan of action for success are emphasized in this chapter. Research on the secret of happiness is also discussed.

Brief Contents Brief Contents

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Contents Contents

Preface ix Acknowledgments xv

1 Getting Acquainted with Ourselves and Others 1 Self-Discovery 2 Self-Disclosure 3 The Johari Window 7 Loneliness 10 What Should a Relationship Provide? 11 The Fear of Getting Acquainted—Shyness 13 Perceptual Awareness 17 People Perception 18 Can I Change My Image? 28 Developing New Relationships 29 Chapter Review 34 Activities 37

2 Self-Awareness 51 “Self-Image” Development 52 Signifi cant Others 53 Personality Development 55 Adler’s Individual Psychology Theory 56 Erikson’s Eight Stages of Psychosocial

Development 57 Trait Theory 60 Personality Types 62 Carl Rogers: Self-Theory—Humanistic

Approach 63 Viktor Frankl: Search for Meaning 65 Virginia Satir: Self-Worth 65 How Do Our Thoughts and Our

Environment Relate to the Development of Our Personality? 67

How Did I Get to Be the Person I Am Today? 67 Cognitive and Social-Learning Theories 69 The Self 71 Find Your Real Self 73 Self-Esteem 75 Individualism vs. Collectivism 75 The Real Journey 82 Chapter Review 84 Activities 89


Who’s in Control? 107 Self-Control or External Control 108 Are You an Internal or External? 109 Perceived Control or Lack of Control 110 Outcome 110 Who’s in Control? 110 Two Explanatory Styles 115 Social Learning Theory 117 How Does Learning Theory Infl uence

Your Life? 118 What Gets Your Attention? 119 Learning Theory 121 Classical Conditioning 121 We Learn from Our Experience 124 What Are the Consequences? 125 What Kind of Reinforcement Do You Use? 128 Self-Control in Everyday Living 128 A Self-Change Program 129 Just Do It! 133 Chapter Review 134 Activities 137

4 Dealing with Emotions 155 What Are Emotions? 156 Characteristics of Emotions 157 Types of Emotions 159 Living with Problem Emotions 161 Development of Emotions 172 Emotional Intelligence 172 The Costs of Denying Emotions 174 Getting Out of Emotional Debt 175 Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotions 176 Understanding Culture and Emotion 178 Benefi ts of Expressing Your Feelings 179 Forgiveness—The Healing Process 180 Chapter Review 184 Activities 187

5 Interpersonal Communication 203 Why Do We Need to Communicate? 204 Why Is Communication Diffi cult? 205

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vi Contents

What Is Involved in the Communication Process? 206

One- and Two-Way Communication 208 Nonverbal Communication 209 Verbal Communication 214 Technology and Communication 218 Gender and Communication 219 Listening (What Did You Say?) 220 Barriers to Listening 221 Styles of Responding 223 Active Listening—Empathetic Listening 226 Which Style of Responding Do You Use? 229 Person-to-Person Communication 230 Chapter Review 232 Activities 235

6 Developing Close Relationships 249 The Development of a Relationship 250 Becoming Friends 251 Dating and Mate selection 257 Becoming Lovers 259 Becoming Committed 265 Marital Adjustment 269 Marital Confl ict 271 Communication Problems 273 Family Violence 274 Codependence 275 What’s the Green-Eyed Monster? 277 Growing Apart 278 Chapter Review 283 Activities 287

7 Resolving Interpersonal Confl ict 303 What Is Confl ict? 304 What Causes Confl ict? 304 The Realities of Confl ict 305 Positive Effects of Confl ict 305 Negative Effects of Confl ict 306 What Is Your Style of Confl ict Management? 306 Behavior Styles 307 The Styles in Action 311 Learning to Be Assertive 312 Suggestions for Delivering an Assertive

“I” Message 314 How to Say No without Feeling Guilty 315 Gender and Confl ict Management 316

Culture and Confl ict Management 317 Strategies For Handling Confl ict 319 Mastering Interpersonal Confl ict 320 Steps for Win-Win Confl ict Resolution 322 When Confl icts Cannot Be Resolved 325 Chapter Review 328 Activities 331

8 Managing Stress and Wellness 349 What Is Stress? 350 Types of Stress 351 Causes of Stress 352 The Effects of Stress 356 Physical Effects of Stress 357 Behavioral Effects of Stress 357 Personality Types 358 Negative and Defensive Coping 360 Gender, Culture, and Stress 361 What Affects the Way Individuals Cope

with Stress? 363 Dealing with Stressful Thoughts and

Feelings 365 The Power of Self-Talk 365 What Is the Difference in Irrational and Rational

Beliefs—Self-Talk? 366 Characteristics of Irrational and Rational

Self-Talk 368 Disputing Irrational Beliefs 370 20 Tips for Managing Stress 370 The Relaxation Response 373 Chapter Review 375 Activities 379

9 Values and Ethics 399 What Are Values? 400 Types of Value Systems 402 How Do Values Develop? 402 The Infl uence of Other Factors 403 What Are My Values? 406 Clarifying Your Personal Values 409 Value Indicators 411 We Learn to Value What We Suffer For 412 Making Ethical Choices 413 The Importance of Meaning and Purpose 416 Chapter Review 419 Activities 423

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Contents vii


Life Planning 441 Learning to Take Risks 442 What Motivates You? 443 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs 445 Plan Your Life Like You Would a Vacation 447 Setting Your Goals: What Do You Want? 449 Contributors to Success 450 The Time in Your Life 453 Culture and the Organization of Time 456 Creating Harmony in Your Life 457 Effective Life Planning: It’s All Up to You! 459 Happiness and Well-Being 460

Myths and Truths about Happiness 461 Who Is Happiest? 462 Ways to Be Happy 463 Chapter Review 466 Activities 469

References 485

Glossary 497

Index 509

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You will discover that the new eleventh edition of Becoming Aware: A Text/Workbook for Human Relations and Personal Adjustment will assist you in the process of becoming more aware of yourself and others through the most interactive learning process you have found in any textbook.

Since ancient times, folk wisdom and philosophy have told us that the greatest amount of learning takes place when the student is an active participant in a critical-thinking process. This new edition was carefully designed to help students apply psychological principles, to develop the ability to think critically, to better understand themselves, and improve their relationships with others through an interactive process.

The new eleventh edition of Becoming Aware: A Text/Workbook for Human Relations and Personal Adjustment offers a wealth of informa- tion to help guide students both in class and in their everyday lives.

This new edition is a text/workbook that will give students the opportunity to become an active learner in the process of learning about human relations and personal adjustment. Learning should be a “hands on” experience. This new edition will help students explore, experiment, test, and apply the theories and ideas within the world of human relations and personal adjustment. This text/workbook will allow the learner to think critically, work through problems logically, and make connections with the real world and thus become an active learner. The more you become actively involved within the subject matter of human relations and personal adjustment, the more you will learn. This new edition will give you and the students within the class many new opportunities to get actively involved in learning about yourself and others.

What is more important to us than our own personal adjustment and our relationships with other people? This is a personal book. This new edition is written for college students of all ages and for all others who wish to explore the world of self-awareness and discover new avenues for personal growth and adjustment and the development and continu- ance of personal relationships.

Life is a journey, and this book will guide you in the process of self-discovery and self-understanding. Relating with others is an art to be learned and practiced. This new edition will provide you with many new ideas and new activities that will allow you to gain a better understanding of yourself and others.

The self is the foundation of all relationships. One of the goals of this book is to guide us in the active process of getting acquainted with others and ourselves. As we continue this process, we will gain a better understanding of our emotions and resolving interpersonal confl ict.

Because human beings interact and relate to one another through interpersonal communication, another goal of this book is to help us learn how to communicate positively. We believe human beings have the capacity to change and adapt, and to effectively cope with stressful circumstances in our lives. This new edition will facilitate the process of

Preface Preface

T he art of teaching is the art of assisting discovery. MARK VAN DOREM

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x Preface

allowing you to gain control of your life with a better understanding of learning theory and personality theory.

As we learn to relate to others, we will discover the value of friends and intimate partners. As they say, “love is a many splendored thing,” and we hope we will all discover through this book and throughout life what love is and the importance of a loving relationship. As we continue through our journey of life, we will discover what is important to us in life and the importance of life planning.

About the Book The approach in Becoming Aware is humanistic and personal; that is, it stresses the healthy and effective personality and the common struggles we all have in developing a greater awareness of self and establish- ing more meaningful relationships with others. It especially emphasizes taking risks in accepting personal responsibility for achieving a greater awareness of self and deciding whether and how we want to change our life.

This book was written for students who were looking for a practical course: one that dealt with issues in everyday living and would also pro- vide a catalyst for their own personal growth. Many previous students have found this book so valuable in their own lives, they have added this book to their own personal library and have read it many different times and have also bought their friends copies as gifts.

Becoming Aware has been adopted in courses dealing with the psychology of adjustment, human relations, applied psychology, personal growth and awareness, communication, etc. It has also been fortunate to have had numerous adoptions from technical and vocational programs, ranging from nursing to electronics. In addition, instructors in teacher- training courses, as well as management development courses, have found Becoming Aware a practical guide for their students.

Experience shows that active, open, practical, and personal participa- tion in these courses has led to greater self-awareness, enhanced rela- tionships with others, and increased control over choosing direction for one’s life.

Hopefully this book will make your journey more fulfi lled as you travel through life.

Organization of This Edition This is a personal interactive book. Within each chapter, the reader is encouraged to examine relevant ideas and issues pertaining to their understanding of self and their relationships with others.

This book is designed to be a personal workbook as well as a class- room text. Each chapter has a minimum of fi ve activities for the reader to pause and refl ect on the personal application of the concepts and theo- ries presented in the chapter. Most of the activities will allow the reader to get personally and individually involved in completing the tasks, while a few of the activities will require each person to get involved in a small group process in order to complete the task. It is important for all stu- dents to participate in individual projects as well as group activities. In today’s world of business we all have to learn to function as a team

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Preface xi

(within groups) and as individuals. The better we learn to do it now, the better we will survive in the world of business.

As we have all discovered, the more we get personally involved in any subject, the more we learn. It is the intention of the author and this book to get the reader more involved within the subject matter and thus learn more about themselves and their relationships than they ever have before.

Each chapter also contains a Learning Journal that will allow the reader to write and assess the personal value or meaning gained from the concepts presented. The activities, as well as the Learning Journals, have perforated pages, specifi cally designed for more convenient classroom participation of work outside of class that can be used for evaluation and assessment. Additionally, there are over 200 thought-provoking quota- tions, from well-known sources, and over 25 short poems and words of wisdom designed to further promote insightful awareness.

The learning process is an important aspect of this book. The reader gets more involved within the subject matter of the text through the use of chapter test review questions, which will allow the student to relate directly to the important concepts and ideas within each chapter.

Refl ection questions are designed to help students to develop critical thinking skills and work through problems logically. The activities at the end of each chapter will allow each individual to get personally involved, not only individually, but also within groups, which allow for interaction and teamwork.

What’s New in This Edition? The eleventh edition of Becoming Aware refl ects signifi cant updating. Each chapter has been extensively reviewed and updated to give the reader the most current research available in the search for self-exploration.

Reviewers provided many excellent suggestions for this edition that were incorporated throughout the book.

Major Revisions and Additions Active learning is emphasized throughout the text, and some activities were revised to make them more meaningful. Many of the activities may be completed individually and then personally assessed. Each student will also have the opportunity to participate within the group process in order to facilitate the understanding and application of the theories and concepts discussed in each chapter.

To emphasize the need for critical thinking skills, many of the important concepts and ideas are highlighted through use of elements titled—“Think about this”—“Check this Out”—“Consider this”— and “How to.” A variety of new pictures and illustrations have been added, and some new chapter quotes have been added.

The sociocultural perspective within the fi eld of human relations and personal adjustment is having a much greater impact on our lives, and it needs to be emphasized more and more. There is a continued emphasis on diversity, including additional information on ethnicity, along with cul- ture and gender. You will note the additional emphasis on the elements titled “Focus on Diversity” and “Gender & You.”

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Updates to Each Chapter:


Revised coverage on disclosure New material on mutual reward theory New coverage on social networks New activity—First Impressions Revised Who Am I activity Updated web resources


Revised Gender and You—Who is the Better Leader? New material on personality types Added some new strategies to improve self-esteem New activity—The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale Updated web resources

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